It's funny how life works really. The full spectrum of it all, from sleepless nights to busy days, cooking and cleaning, vacuuming and mopping... It's a busy, full time job, with no pay. My strive for worldly perfection at motherhood has left me tired and exhausted, once again laying at the feet of my Father defeated. But it is in these quiet moments of defeat, that I am emptied of myself, that I understand the depth of what my Creator wants for me.
I have many short comings, ones I didn't even realize I had, but when you seek the Father, He brings to light certain areas that need to change. Mine, was a call to motherhood. I find it interesting that society doesn't equate motherhood as a calling, but as a burden. As a stay at home mother, I've even felt judge by some in the Christian community. I've heard women without children (I myself have felt this way) wonder why others gave up on what God called them to do, just to be a mother. And, if your not deeply rooted you begin to wonder... Why wasn't I changing the world in a school or being a CEO for God or having a bigger platform... Being Somewhere doing something that would bring glory to God. All mothers everywhere can laugh. Rasing children is important. What's funny, I have never felt more over qualified and so unprepared for a job, as I did when I first entered motherhood.
You see the stuff like, picking up after little kids, changing diapers, dumping out potty chairs, wiping away throw up, staying up during a sickness, you know all those things didn't require a college degree. But at the same time of my self seeking flesh, I also felt very vulnerable, because I had to be an example 24/7. Who I truly was, and the real state of my heart couldn't be hidden, here I am, an imperfect person attempting to raise two beautiful babies, ones that haven't been affected by the harshness of the world... Except... When I would fail. I would love to say I never raised my voice to my children, I would love to say I never disciplined out of anger, I would love to say that after being up all night and all day for two days because both kids were sick and my husband was at work that I was the Brady Bunch mom, but in reality... I was Mommy Dearest. Just kidding, but I did feel like I was going crazy. While the time my kids were sick has long past, the struggled that I've continued to encounter as a mother has not, and here at the feet of God, wallowing and defeated (or so I thought), truth began to pour over me.
He made me rise, not out of His presence but out of my state of mind. In Christ I cannot be a failure. With a home dedicated to the advancing of the Kingdom of God, I can't live in defeat. So here is where I learned, that I haven't shed as much of my flesh as I had thought. I'm here being a mother, because right now that is what God has called me to to do, and reminded me that children are a blessing an actual gift from God. (Ps 127:3) and if rasing children is my only job in the Kingdom, I'm blessed!
Was I over worked? Yes, but only because I was adding to what God called. Was I tired? Yes, of course I was because I chose not to rest, physically and spiritually. Was I worn out? Yes would be an understatement, I allowed the worlds expectations of motherhood to cloud what I felt God was calling me to do.
I was consumed with making sure my home was deep cleaned daily (You know, how people do spring cleaning??? Yes I did that everyday), I made all three meals and snacks from scratch (Not knocking this, if you can do it more power to you... It is a little harder to do in a fifth wheel), I never took a break... Ever, when it was offered I'd turn it down. What good mom needs a break right... Oh how little I knew. I was more concerned with the appearance of the perfect life than I was bringing up Kingdom children.
As I was crying to my husband telling him that I didn't feel accomplished today, he said "You can't accomplish everything everyday." We went on to discuss what mattered and what was important, and in the end I realized that I can accomplish what God has set out for me, but the other stuff that I added on, not only does it not matter but it is unattainable. So as I approach my toddler, I scoop her into my arms and tell her " mommy is sorry today wasn't a good day..." She set her Legos down, looked up at me in surprise and said "today was a good day mommy". I was taken back a little. I thought I failed today, we didn't do the things we normally do, and yet she said it was a good day, I asked her what she liked about the day, and you know what!? It was all the things we did together. The quiet times, holding her in my lap, reading to her, pretending to go shopping, coloring, when we danced in the living room, when I chased them, when we ran outside... If only I could say that these adventures were the majority of our day or that this is how our everyday goes; But they don't, it was a few minutes here and there that these memories were made.
However, with a fresh mindset, I realize I will not let the blessings and gifts that my children are to be taken from me.
In reality a home surrendered is a beautiful experience. No matter what I face in life, that God be at the center of it all. That I am never alone and it is here I find purpose in my life, simply because I know that the Lord has plans for my life, the life of my family. I can rest in the fact that this is His home, and me? I'm just following the manual he has set out for me. When we can take a step back and examine our life, and hold it against the statues of the Lord, not only it is sobering where we are failing, but it is awakening. We see that God wants the best for us, that what we go through many times is actually molding us, shaping us into better vessels, we are being refined by the fire. When we get to a point where all that matters is what God says, there is freedom. We aren't bound to the thoughts and concerns of the world, we are willing to do and say all that God calls. Even if it means we lose friends, even if we lose materials, even if we lose what we held as important.
I will not allow something as unattainable as a "Pinterest" life to be a thief. I will not compare my life to others, only seeing a portion of what is their reality. No not today Satan. Not today flesh. Not today world. You know why? Because today I'm not just a mom, I am my children's mother. And to be honest, I can't think of a better job in the world.
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